Relationships don’t stop when you put your phone down. From Snapchat streaks and location sharing to DMs, passwords and intimate photos, our phones can become a huge part of how we communicate with someone we’re seeing. But being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving someone unlimited access to your digital life, and this includes sexting.
Privacy Doesn’t Mean You Have Something to Hide
“Why won’t you give me your password?”
“Who are you messaging?”
“Turn your location on so I know where you are.”
It can be easy to mistake these things for someone caring about you, particularly at the beginning of a relationship. But trust isn’t the same as access.
Everyone deserves privacy. You don’t have to share your phone password, social media logins or live location with a partner, and you can change your mind about sharing something, even if you’ve been happy to share it before.
A healthy relationship gives you space to have your own friends and conversations without having to constantly prove that you’re trustworthy.
When Does Location Sharing Become Controlling?
Sharing your location can be really useful. You might use it so someone knows you’ve arrived home safely or to find your friends when you’re meeting up.
But there’s a difference between:
“Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe ❤️”
and:
“Why were you there? Who were you with? Why did you turn your location off?”
If someone uses your location to monitor you, question your movements or make you feel like you can’t go somewhere without explaining yourself, that’s no longer about convenience or safety. Their behaviour could become controlling.
Let’s Talk About Sexting
Sexting can mean sending sexual messages, photos or videos digitally. Young people might do this because they’re flirting, exploring a relationship or simply because they want to.
However, there are some important things to know.
If you’re under 18, the law around nude and sexual images is different. Creating, possessing or sharing indecent images of anyone under 18 can be illegal, even when you take the image of yourself or two young people share it consensually.
That doesn’t mean a young person who is worried about an image should be frightened to ask for help. Safeguarding professionals and the police need to consider the circumstances surrounding situations involving young people in context, particularly when two young people have shared images consensually rather than maliciously.
Not creating or sharing nude images while you’re under 18 remains the safest option.
“If You Loved Me, You’d Send One”
Nope.
Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you owe somebody a photo, video or sexual message.
Pressure might not always sound threatening. It could sound like:
“Everyone does it.”
“I’ve sent you one.”
“You sent one before.”
“Don’t you trust me?”
“I won’t show anyone.”
“Come on, it’s only me.”
Consent needs to come freely. If someone guilt-trips you, repeatedly asks after you’ve said no, threatens you or makes you feel that the relationship depends on it, you haven’t freely given consent.
Sending something yesterday doesn’t mean you’ve agreed to send something today.
Once You’ve Sent It, You Lose Some Control
Someone might genuinely promise they’ll never share your image. But relationships can change. Someone could lose or hack a phone, gain access to an account or take a screenshot.
Sharing someone’s intimate image without their consent is never okay and may also be a criminal offence.
If someone threatens to share an intimate image unless you send more images, give them money, stay in a relationship or do something else they demand, tell someone you trust and get help. Don’t let embarrassment stop you from speaking up.
What Do Healthy Digital Boundaries Look Like?
A healthy relationship might mean:
- You can leave your phone unattended without worrying they’ll go through it.
- You don’t need to provide passwords as proof that you love them.
- Either of you can turn location sharing off without an argument.
- Your partner respects a “no” to an intimate photo the first time.
- You can have friendships outside the relationship.
- Nobody dictates who the other person can follow, message or speak to.
- You both respect the privacy of conversations, photos and personal information.
- Breaking up doesn’t give either person permission to expose, embarrass or threaten the other online.
Most importantly, you should feel trusted rather than monitored. Ask yourself:
Do I change what I do online because I’m worried about how my partner will react?
Maybe you delete innocent messages, avoid liking someone’s post, turn down plans because your location will show where you are, or reply immediately because you know there’ll be an argument otherwise.
One incident doesn’t necessarily define a whole relationship. However, if you regularly change your behaviour because you’re worried about someone’s reaction, it’s worth talking to somebody you trust.
Your Phone. Your Privacy. Your Boundaries
Being close to someone doesn’t mean giving up your independence. You can:
- Love someone and still want privacy.
- Trust someone and still keep your password to yourself.
- Share your location and later decide to stop.
- Send an intimate message once and say no the next time.
- Change your mind.
A healthy relationship doesn’t require you to prove your love by giving someone access to you.
Read more about healthy relationships in our other Nookie Knowledge blogs! There, you can find all sorts from sexual health to contraception.